Take 5

Five Things considers things–including questions–in groups of five. And Five Things performers think on their feet. Here the two come together in *Take5* a quippy Q&A featuring former Five Things performers:

1. What is the story of your name?

Diane Fleming: I was born Diane Skwish. Then I became Diane Lovelett through a misguided decision to marry a guy named Bob. || Post-divorce, during a brief, empowered, feminist moment, I legally changed my name to my maternal grandmother’s last name, Fleming. I also added her first name, Ruth, as my middle name. My mother didn’t give most of the Skwish children middle names, fearing that the burden of the Skwish name was enough. (Now I wish I’d gone back to Skwish.)

David Jewell: My middle name, Prescott, comes from Col. William Prescott who said,
“Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes. At the Battle of Bunker Hill. || So, I am a son of the American Revolution.

Jack Kaulfus: Kaulfus means “club foot.” It’s Prussian. Our ancestors were royal guards; they were probably not very fast.

Rudy Ramirez: The name is derived from the Germanic Hrodwulf and means “Famewolf.” Which may have been the teutonic equivalent of “Famewhore” and would thus have been apt. But really, the story of my name is that it makes Christmastime suck ass when you’re a kid

Matthew Stuart: A wonderful mother.

Michael Whalen: Michael is my father’s middle name. Whalen is my father’s last night.

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2. Sum up your Five Things Experience in five words.

Diane Fleming: Testoserone-trashing tales entertain all.

David Jewell: Totally amazing fun wild event.

Jack Kaulfus: I needed a cigarette after (it was so lovely).

Rudy Ramirez: My second most public blowjob.

Matthew Stuart: “The Egerton’s baby is CUTE.” (or) “FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN.”

Michael Whalen: new|loud|different|awaited|dudes

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3. Finish this sentence: What I amazed myself by and/or am still considering changing about my most recent creative piece [insert title] is…

Diane Fleming: What I am still considering changing about my most recent creative piece Cialis is adding some Viva Viagra! to it.

David Jewell: Hmmmm….could you run the tape? Gotta see the replay.

Jack Kaulfus: I am amazed that I am still working on the same novel I’ve been trying to write since 1996. Eventually, it will be a great “process” story, but right now, it’s still about four folders full of crap.

Rudy Ramirez: What I amazed myself by with my most recent creative piece–part 1 of Promised Land, my first ever one man show–is that people who had been to the place I was describing said they saw it in a whole new way.

Matthew Stuart: I’m considering the following: Writing: I wonder if a tractor tire hung from a tree with chain is a reasonable method for teaching one to absorb counter punches in “Handsome Vlad” (Tire’s swung, Vlad jabs the hole, gets floored by tire. A drill repeated again and again.) Painting: I wonder if Sterling the horse should have been wearing tortoise-shell Ray Bans instead of black.

Michael Whalen: What I am still considering changing about my most recent creative piece “Zombies” is whether the romance is a good idea and if I can balance the perspective by having two women speak elsewhere that doesn’t involve men or romance.

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4. The funniest/weirdest thing to happen in your vicinity in recent memory is what?

Diane Fleming: Receiving a large number of Dr. Desmond Fleming‘s emails by mistake, including prayer circle requests, requests for recommendation letters for medical school, and a recent note about one of his friends being in brain tumor surgery.

David Jewell: It was cold enough to wear a jacket with the sun out. So weird. Quite delightful.

Jack Kaulfus: Bianca just climbed halfway into the drier because it felt so good.

Rudy Ramirez: I was in a show called Fernando and the Killer Queen, an AMAZING new play written by Kyle John Schmidt and performed at the Cohen New Works Festival at UT. During a pivotal moment, I–playing the role of the Killer Queen (duh)–come onstage and order my servant (or is he?) Boris to distract Fernando with a game so he won’t see me crying. At that point a horseshoe is thrown onstage and Boris yells, “Look Fernando, horseshoes!” Audience laughs, show goes on, etc. Except for the last night, when a horseshoe was nowhere to be found and so a whole lot of nothing was thrown onstage. Boris, without missing a beat, points at a knife and says, “Look Fernando, mumbeldypeg!” I had no idea what that was, assumed he had pulled those syllables out of thin air, and had to turn away from the audience to keep them from seeing me crack up. Thank God my next monologue involved cackling.
Matthew Stuart: Half-hour ago at Walgreen’s the girl scout selling cookies out front said, “no, you’re the bitch.” The woman she said this to was presumably her mother. Youch.
Michael Whalen: The funniest/weirdest thing to happen to me or in my vicinity vicinity in recent memory is comparing my cat to the grindcore band Anal Cunt.

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5. What horrible thing makes you laugh?

Diane Fleming: When I first heard the recent story of the woman-mauled-by-monkey, I laughed. I don’t know why.

David Jewell: Politically incorrect names for bands. Too horrible to even mention.

Jack Kaulfus: “I Can’t Decide” by The Scissor Sisters.

Rudy Ramirez: The Grizzly Man. Even after all this time, I think about him and snicker. “I’m one with the bears! I named this one Mr. Chocola–OW! My arm just got ripped off . . . “
Matthew Stuart: Provocation.
Michael Whalen: Someone getting hit in the nuts on film. In reality, it’s too horrible, but on film, it’s pure comedy.
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And sometimes *Take 5* takes pictures:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ahem.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ahem.

Of strange and extraordinary things. Like Five Things’s performer Cecilia Ward Jones’s collection of wedding rings. Which Five Things learned about on Five Deadly Sin night. When Cecilia wowed the crowd with her sin of pride and her lovely almost rhinestone tiara that said “Bride” across the front––an irony not lost on those who know the exact number of times she has been to the alter, justice-of-the-peace, rabbi, etc., etc., etc. Five Things doesn’t know the exact number. And we’re not counting the number of rings–except to say we do see five…